How to Help a Child Process the Loss of a Pet

Adopting a pet can be a wonderful thing for a child. Besides adding lots of love to their lives, caring for a pet teaches kids about responsibility, patience, and compassion. Sadly, though, pets do not live forever. For kids, dealing with the loss of a beloved pet may be their first encounter with grief and mortality. Helping children navigate loss requires patience, understanding, and an approach that considers the child’s age, maturity, and unique relationship with the pet.

To help you through this difficult time, we asked psychologist Beth Janis, Ph.D, about preparing young children for a pet’s death, how losing a pet impacts kids, how to break the news of a pet’s death, understanding children’s grief, and age-appropriate strategies for supporting kids through loss.

How the death of a pet impacts children 

It’s difficult to anticipate how a child will deal with the death of a pet. “Grief shows up differently for each person, and can vary over time,” Janis says. Children need to hear that whatever they are feeling is okay and that their feelings are important. When talking to children about the death of a pet, Janis encourages caregivers to invite kids to share what they are feeling, listen to them, show curiosity about their experience, and validate their feelings.

“When a child’s emotions are very big, parents get to be the steady anchor,” Janis says. “They can reassure their child they are right there with them, that they aren’t going anywhere, and that they are ready to show up in whatever way the child needs.” That could mean talking, sitting together silently, going to their pet’s favorite park, or doing an activity. Janis suggests following the child’s lead when it comes to supporting them through the loss of their pet.

Janis emphasizes that parents do not need to “fix” their child's grief. Rather, they can simply be with their child. “You being there, and open to hearing them, and meeting them where they are at in the way they are needing is the best thing you can do,” she says. “We can’t rush grief. Parents can feel a sense of powerlessness, or a rush to make everything better. But doing so misses seeing where the child is in their grief process, and where they need their caregiver to be.”

If you are also experiencing grief, Janis says it’s important to seek out other adults to get the support you need: friends, partners, family, therapists. “While I encourage parents to model transparency of their own emotions, it’s important they do so in a way that shows they can care for themselves, so the child doesn’t feel responsible for caring for their parent.”

How to prepare kids for the loss of a pet 

Sometimes, the death of a pet is sudden and unexpected. Other times, you have some warning that the loss is coming. Just like you may have prepared your child for the arrival of a pet, you’ll want to prepare them for the loss of that pet when the time comes. Whether you have a senior pet, or your pet is ill and will be euthanized, how do you tell a child that their pet won’t be with them much longer? 

Janis encourages parents to speak directly to children about an impending loss in a way that’s appropriate for their age. “Parents can explain what euthanasia is by saying something like, ‘Because Clifford’s body can’t get better, his veterinarians can help him die without pain.’” What exactly you say to the child will depend on how old they are and their developmental level, but she says to also consider the following factors.

• Be intentional about choosing when to have the conversation. Don’t do it right before school, sports practice, or a playdate. “Give the child ample opportunity to process the information in their own time and space,” Janis says.

• Tell the child in advance of the date when possible (if there is an appointment scheduled for euthanasia), so they have opportunities to connect with their pet before the time comes to say goodbye. 

• Have the conversation in a place that feels familiar and safe to your child.

• Keep to a routine as much as you can. Structure and a predictable routine are key to helping kids feel safe. “Maintaining a sense of normalcy during a difficult time can help children to feel like less of their world is out of control,” Janis says.

• If you can, give your child choices about how they’d like to spend the remaining time with their pet. “It may be helpful for parents to give some ideas or choices about how this may look. Do they want to spend that time doing what they love most with their pet? Go to the pet’s favorite place? Create a special memento together, like a clay paw print? Having lots of snuggles and extra treats? What is meaningful to each child will differ, so presenting an open invitation (with options and suggestions, as needed) will hopefully help the child determine how they wish to spend that time.”

How to prepare a child for a pet’s euthanasia

In cases where a pet is being euthanized, Janis says parents can consider whether or not to offer their children an opportunity to be present at the end. If your child would like to be there, it’s important to let them know what to expect. “Setting the stage of what may happen — and allowing for some unpredictability — can be helpful. Let the child know that whether they choose to be there or not, that is absolutely okay, and they can still have a special goodbye with their pet either way,” Janis says.

If your child is going to be present, explain the process beforehand — that the vet will be using a needle to insert medicine that will stop the animal’s heart. Let your child know that many feelings may arise, and that however they feel is okay. If your child needs to leave, be ready to walk away with them, knowing this may mean that you, too, will have to leave your pet during the euthanasia process.

Books to help kids deal with the death of a pet

A good book can be a great help in explaining death to children and helping them cope with the loss of their pet. Suzanne Tovey, Child Life Specialist and Child and Adolescent Grief Counselor, recommends her favorites, below. “These books offer sensitive approaches to discussing pet loss with children, helping them process their feelings and find comfort during a difficult time,” she says.

• The Rainbow Bridge: A Visit to Pet Paradise, by Adrian Raeside. This beautifully illustrated book explains the concept of the Rainbow Bridge, a peaceful place where pets go after they pass. It offers comfort and hope for children coping with the loss of a beloved pet.

• The Goodbye Book, by Todd Parr. With simple language and colorful illustrations, this book helps young children understand loss and the complex emotions that come with saying goodbye to a pet or loved one.

• When a Pet Dies, by Fred Rogers. Written by Mr. Rogers, this gentle and empathetic book explains death and the feelings of grief children experience when a pet dies. It offers reassurance that it’s okay to feel sad.

• I’ll Always Love You, by Hans Wilhelm. This heartfelt story is about a boy and his dog, Elfie, and their special bond. After Elfie passes away, the boy expresses his grief but also cherishes the love they shared.

• Saying Goodbye to Lulu, by Corinne Demas. This emotional story follows the narrator, a young girl, as she comes to terms with the death of her dog Lulu. The book handles the subject with care and compassion, making it a gentle introduction to pet loss.

• Dog Heaven, by Cynthia Rylant. A comforting and imaginative depiction of what a happy afterlife might look like for dogs. It’s a warm and uplifting read for children grieving the loss of their canine friend.

• Cat Heaven, by Cynthia Rylant. Similar to Dog Heaven, this book offers a comforting and imaginative vision of a joyful afterlife for cats. It’s written with a tone of reassurance, ideal for children mourning a lost pet.

• Jasper’s Day, by Marjorie Blain Parker. This tender story focuses on a family preparing for the final day of their aging dog, Jasper. It gently explores the emotions of both children and adults, offering ways to honor a pet’s memory.

How to tell kids about the loss of a pet

The exact words you’ll use to support kids through the loss of a pet will depend on how old the child is. No matter the child’s age or the way you tell them, Janis says it’s important to be honest and direct.

1. Be honest about your pet’s death

This isn’t the time for vague language or euphemisms, especially with very young children. “Younger kids interpret things literally,” Janis says. “Statements like ‘was put to sleep’ can be confusing and make children fearful of falling asleep themselves, while general statements like ‘was sick and died’ can make them fearful that they, or other loved ones, may also become sick and die.” If the pet was sick, adults should go into enough detail about the illness so that the child can understand it is different from a sickness they may experience. Reassuring the child about the health and safety of their loved ones is key. 

If you’re not sure what to say, Janis suggests the following language.

• You can say that the pet’s body stopped working, or that their heart stopped working, and because of this, they died.

• If there was an accident, you can say something like, “Scooter was in a big accident where he was hit by a car. This caused a lot of big injuries to his body, too big for his heart to keep working. When his heart couldn’t work anymore, he died.”

• Explain that death means the pet cannot keep living, and that they are no longer alive. You might say something like, “Death means that Rascal’s body stopped working, so he can’t keep living.”

2. Be prepared for questions

“It’s important to give enough information to help explain things to children, but not to give information that wasn’t asked for,” Janis says. “This is especially the case for younger children. We can lay out the information that is needed and wait to add additional information based on the questions they may have.” Janis offers the following possible talking points, in anticipation of questions and concerns children often have about pet death.

• Death is irreversible — this isn’t something that will change. Their pet isn’t going to return or start living again. Younger children generally don’t understand the permanence of death, and may expect their pet to return in the future. 

• Cancer is a different type of sickness that can’t be caught. It’s not caused by germs, so the child is not at risk while being around their cancer-stricken pet.

• No one caused the sickness to happen, especially not the child, and the child is not responsible for their pet dying. Young children are especially apt to worry that the pet’s death is their fault.

• The child is healthy and safe, as are the people they love.

When having these conversations, Janis recommends giving the child a heads-up beforehand. For example, you can say, “I have something to tell you that may feel sad to hear,” or “I have something important to talk to you about.” When you are talking, be prepared to answer the same question multiple times. This is normal.  

3. Consider age-specific reactions to pet loss

Grief shows up differently depending on the age of the child, Janis says. Here are some of the ways kids of different ages may react to the death of a pet.

• Very young children may show little reaction when told of their pet’s passing, or may become distracted or wish to go to another activity. This is normal.

• School-aged children have a better understanding of the permanency of death. They may have a lot of questions and concerns, and may express worry about others in their life. 

• Adolescents may process the loss more with their friends than their family, but some may still choose their family as their primary support system.

• Regardless of age, some children may want to talk about the loss of their pet and others may not. Some may like to look at pictures or talk through memories, while others may prefer to process the loss internally, distract themselves, or may seem to give little attention to the pet’s passing. These reactions are all okay.

4. There is no timeframe for grief

Regardless of their age, grief may come and go for the child. “Grief is often talked about like the waves of the ocean,” Janis says. “Some waves are smaller, and we see them coming. Others can be bigger and knock us off our feet.” However the child is feeling, adults can help validate and normalize their emotions. “Some children may feel sad, afraid, angry, lonely, numb, or many other sorts of feelings. Some of these feelings may stay awhile, and others may show up only briefly. There isn’t one right way to grieve. Whatever emotions come up are natural and part of the child’s process with this specific loss.”

5. When to get help for your child’s grief

That said, if several weeks have passed and the child is still having a hard time coping, Janis says they may benefit from talking to a grief counselor or other mental health professional. Some signs that a child is experiencing issues coping may include difficulties at school or with relationships, showing regression in their behaviors (such as wetting the bed after previously being accident-free), or expressing anger, irritability, or other hard-to-manage feelings.

What helps children cope with pet-loss grief? 

How do children deal with the death of a pet, and how can you help? Activities and rituals can be very beneficial to a child navigating the loss of a pet. Janis offers a few suggestions of things you may want to try.

Using art as emotional expression

Art can be a wonderful way of processing feelings. Drawing, collaging, making memory books, writing stories or poetry, and creating special mementos can all be healing for children. “Based on what the parent knows [are] the child’s preferred routes of self-expression, these can be used to meet the child where they are at and help them process this loss in ways that may feel most natural to them,” Janis says.

Considering a funeral or ceremonies 

When thinking about a funeral or memorial service for the pet, Janis encourages including the child in the planning. “Is there a favorite place the pet liked to go? A favorite thing they liked to do? What would feel meaningful to the child and to each family member to have as part of this goodbye ritual?” Invite children to share and participate as they wish, and let them know that it’s okay if they want to watch rather than participate, or to not be there at all.

Giving a child a gift or memento

“Grief can vary so much from person to person and isn’t one-size-fits-all. And it is the same when it comes to gifts or mementos,” Janis says. When choosing a gift, she recommends considering what kinds of things the child liked to do with their pet.

“Some children are soothed by stuffed animals that can be warmed up in the microwave, and others may be soothed by stuffed animals or toys that play music or ‘breathe,’” she says. Stuffed animals wearing a piece of the pet’s clothing, or with the pet’s favorite blanket sewn on, is a snuggly choice that kids can hug when they’re feeling sad. 

Other good choices include a framed picture of the child and their pet, a wooden box that can be painted or personalized and can hold mementos of the pet, or other craft projects that may be used to make a memento.

When it’s time to get another pet

At some point, you might feel that it’s time to adopt a new pet. Bringing a new pet into the family is an exciting time. But when a child is still grieving a loss, it can feel complicated. The best indicator of when the time is right is your gut. 

“There are a few signals that suggest it could be a good time to consider a new pet,” Janis says. “The biggest one, in my opinion, is when it feels like the family is ready to welcome a new member and create a new place for this animal in the home and the family — rather than feeling like they need to ‘fill in’ something that’s missing, or replace the missing pet.” She adds that it’s important to reassure the child that loving a new pet doesn’t take away from the love they have for the pet that has died. “They can love and miss the pet that has passed away, and they can simultaneously love and get to know this new animal. Both can coexist.”

On a more practical note, you’ll want to consider the usual questions that come with adopting a pet: Do you have the time and money to dedicate to a new family member? Is the child ready to assume some level of responsibility for the new pet? How will the pet fit into the daily routine? 

When you’re ready, here’s one place to start in your search for a dog (or a cat!). You may even consider adopting a senior dog. (Here are a few of the best breeds for kids and families.) Sharing life with a pet has many benefits for kids, as well as adults. Adopting a new pet can be a wonderful way to show a child that life goes on, and that we have plenty of love in our hearts to go around.

References

Children and Pet Loss

Helping Children with Pet Loss

Helping Kids Cope with Pet Loss